Self Help In Sight

Have you every thought about how a partner or potential partner’s motivation might be incompatible with your own?  It may be something you want to consider when thinking about a partner or potential partner.

Scientists have studied motivation for many, many years.  Freud thought in terms of human “drives”.  Maslow, Murray, and others researched human “needs”.  The consensus is that all people have multiple needs but that the intensity of a particular human need or set of needs varies from person to person.

Research into motivation compatibility in romantic relationships is relatively rare but the role of motivation in a satisfying relationship is worth paying attention to.  It is arguably the most important consideration when thinking about whether or not you are compatible with a partner or potential partner.  Before justifying this claim of importance, let me establish some context.

First of all, a person’s motivation priorities can change depending on circumstances.  For example, if you are outside, exposed to the elements and hungry, you are going to prioritize finding shelter and food over a need to play or have fun.  Or, if you are eager for sexual intimacy, the intensity of that “drive” or “need” might overwhelm your need to find a partner who has characteristics you seek for the “long-term”.  The point is, that a person’s motivation is dynamic and changes as circumstances change.

This does not mean a person’s motivation at any given moment is random.  Motivation patterns are fairly stable.  So, if a person is motivated by a need to make an impression–to be seen and heard, he or she will maintain that need over time even if its prominence waxes and wanes in the context of other needs.

The second contextual note is that you might seek the fun and excitement of going downhill on skis while simultaneously trying to avoid physical pain and injury.  The point here is that motivation is usually complex, involving more than one dimension or need at a time.  Indeed, going downhill on skis could include the dimensions of excitement, success at a complex task, and avoiding injury, all at the same time!

So, what can you make of the complexity of changing and multi-dimensional motivational needs and how do they influence your choice of a romantic partner?  Fortunately for those seeking a satisfactory relationship, a partner or potential partner’s motivation can be analyzed.  Of all the identified human needs, three are thought to be particularly important for figuring out why a person does what he or she does.  These three are the need for achievement, power, and affiliation.

Analyzing a person’s needs for achievement, power, and affiliation should tell you a lot about his or her motivational pattern and how compatible it is with your own.

This is not to say that there are not other needs that motivate people.  There are many other needs.  For example, a need to avoid humiliation, a need to play, a need to put things in order, etc..  Unless they are unusually strong or weak, however, these other needs are not thought to be as important in directing behavior as the needs for achievement, power, and affiliation.

You can recognize a person’s need for achievement in his or her desire to accomplish something difficult, to master tasks, to successfully exercise talent, albeit usually solo or alone. A person’s need for power is expressed in his or her effort to control his/her environment and direct or influence other’s behavior by command or seduction.  Finally, a person’s need for affiliation is manifest in his or her attempt to cooperate pleasantly with and be liked by others, particularly others viewed as allies or friends.

Of course, most people have more than one need working at a time.  For example, many people are simultaneously motivated by a need for affiliation and a need for power.  Nonetheless, most people have a dominant need with one or two subordinate needs trailing behind.  If your partner or potential partner’s dominant need is for power and your dominant need is for affiliation, you may struggle over the long-term because of a basic incompatibility between your dominant needs.

Imagine living with someone whose primary motivational need is to achieve (master tasks alone) or exercise power (direct others) when you have a strong need to affiliate (be in harmony with others). Or imagine having a strong need to achieve while living with someone who wants to exercise power over you.

At the risk of making finding a suitable romantic partner more challenging, my advice is to pay attention to a partner or potential partner’s needs for achievement, power, and affiliation.  Seek someone with a similar pattern of needs.  Compatibility based on similar values and interests is important.  Compatibility based on motivational needs is even more important.

In the future I will offer more about how to figure out your own and an other’s motivational needs.