Self Help In Sight

In the previous post, I introduced the notion of paying attention to a potential or new partner’s need for achievement, power, and affiliation.  There is ample evidence that these needs have an effect on how people relate to each other, including in romantic relationships.

The questions are:  how can you tell what another person’s motivation needs are and why should you care?

When just meeting someone or at the start of a relationship, people tend to hide or minimize personal characteristics that they think might be unattractive.  Indeed, people tend to be on their best behavior in order to maximize their “attractiveness”.  Even so, if you look for them, there are signs of what motivates a person, even when the person is minimizing characteristics that might be unattractive.  For example, if a person speaks a lot about individual accomplishments, you can start to put together the puzzle with achievement being a primary motivation.  In contrast, if a person speaks a lot about directing others or having influence over others, you are probably spending time with someone who has being powerful on the mind.  Or, if a person speaks primarily about being liked by others, fitting in with a group, trying to keep everyone happy, you can conclude that affiliation is a powerful motivator for him or her.

The “signs” guide you toward understanding the motivation of a new or potential partner’s motivation pattern.  Individuals motivated by achievement, speak about success accomplishing tasks or performing well.  It does not matter if the success is global (like a world class athlete’s success) or individual (like successfully quitting smoking), the core of the need for achievement is taking on a task that is reasonably hard and working at it to succeed–usually alone.

Individuals motivated by power, speak about situations where they influenced or directed people.  It may be their influence is direct, like being someone’s boss, or relatively indirect, like an actor influencing an audience’s emotions or an author influencing the thinking of his or her readers.  When you do come across someone who seems motivated by power, pay attention to how much importance he or she gives to the beneficiaries of his or her influence.  Does the person want to influence others because of the status and admiration given to the power role or is the person motivated to educate and mentor the people he or she influences?

Finally, individuals motivated by affiliation prioritize relationships with others above all else.  They are not as interested in achievements or directing others as they are in being well liked and “connected” with others.  They do not put individual achievements or influencing others above being well liked.

Please remember two things.  First, motivating factors tend to be complex.  Look for a pattern of motivating factors like primarily power followed closely by achievement and then affiliation, not a single motivator by itself.

Second, people’s motivation is “on-line” in all of their behavior.  You may have trouble figuring out a person’s motivation pattern in relationships because you haven’t heard a lot about what has or has not been important in past relationships, but you should be able to figure out the person’s motivation pattern as it shows itself in his or her work behavior and recreational activities.  For example, if a person strives to be the top salesperson and win the local golf tournament, you can bet achievement is a primary motivator.

So, why bother figuring out a potential or new partner’s motivation priorities?  The answer, of course, is compatibility.  There is no “ideal” pattern of motivation priorities, but there are patterns that are a better fit than others.  For example, there is ample evidence that individual’s who prioritize power a little bit over achievement and a lot over affiliation make good corporate executives.  On the other hand, these type of people may struggle in organizations where affiliation is a priority or in relationships with partners who get weary of being directed or being a cog in their partner’s wheel.

If you know your own motivation priorities, you are in a good position to choose a partner with similar or compatible priorities.  For example, if you value achievement well over everything else, you should look for someone who can tolerate so much energy going into your accomplishments.  Do not think that someone who values affiliation and is dismissive of individual achievements is going to be a supportive partner over the long-haul.

My experience is that most people’s motivation priorities are important to know but not deal breakers in relationships.  Usually, there is enough flexibility in priorities, that compromise is possible and slight differences in priorities can be tolerated.

Some people, however, have one overwhelming motivating priority which can create problems in a relationship, particularly when the partner finds such single mindedness intolerable.  Think of what the partners of highly competitive individuals have to endure if they are more interested in affiliation than achievement or power.  High achievers and high profile individuals in general, present a double edge sword of sorts–the benefits of success with the cost of the strong need to get them there.

As always, please let me know if there are questions or comments!  Thanks for reading.