Self Help In Sight

This post is based on an all too familiar situation: two individuals starting a new relationship while they are still married.

I have been in contact with the woman only in this case. My understanding of her motivation is less speculative than it is of his, but after many years of hearing why people start and sustain affairs, I can make an educated guess about his motivation.

In her case, her sense of worth is largely based on how attractive she thinks she is to men, particularly men in positions of authority. The more powerful and prestigious the male, the better she feels about her self and the better she feels. The logic goes, “I must be worthwhile if this man, I and others admire, desires me”. When her husband admitted to her that he had been carrying on an affair for multiple years, she became particularly vulnerable to a male she admired.

In his case, his sense of worth seems to be partly based on his ability to seduce attractive women. This is not unusual for males. Nor is it unusual that he attempted to seduce a woman that admired him. It is noteworth, that instead of seeking a relationship with a woman based on his attraction to her characteristics–who she is–he exploited his status and the opportunity that a woman who admired him provided.  Just how many times he has taken advantage of similar “opportunities” is unclear but it has been reported to be more than once.

What seems to be unusual about this male is the intensity of his need for seducing women. He seems to have the same problem with seducing females that an alcoholic has with alcohol: he does something despite knowing that it is harmful to himself and others. Indeed, he continued his self-destructive behavior despite all warnings and signs about what harm his behavior caused.

Of course, both the man and woman involved might have foreseen a disaster as the only possible outcome of an affair. In this case, there were both personal and professional implications of having an affair while married. This is because the woman’s husband worked for the man she had an affair with–ensuring dramatic and intensely negative fallout in the workplace.

What is to be learned from the all-too-common story of two married people having an affair with each other? Check back for a more detailed discussion. The preview is: there is a benefit from understanding your own motivation when starting a new relationship, there is also a benefit to understanding the motivation of your partner to be, it is wise to seek partners who are attractive because of their characteristics not just because of their availability, and finally, it is important to pay attention to the signs that a “disaster” is likely before taking steps that might lead to trauma.

Ignoring this advice can lead to heartache and harm. In the case described above, four individuals are apparently hurting and arguably significantly harmed. Some of the four will recover and move on, both wiser and stronger. The others will not move on. Hopefully you are or can learn to be someone who avoids disasters by turning away from them before they start.