Self Help In Sight

The Myth of Narcissus

Narcissus is said to have been so consumed by his own beauty that he was blind to the beauty of others.  In punishment, he was enchanted by the gods to stare at his reflection in a pool.  Unable to embrace or otherwise “connect” with his reflection, he became despondent and killed himself.  The myth ends with a flower arising from the place where the ground was soaked with his blood–the Narcissus.

How the Myth Plays Out in Relationships

The standard narcissist combines an extraordinary need for attention and recognition with incapacitating self-doubt and shame.  Narcissists are frequently outwardly confident, charming, apparently successful, cheerful, and imperturbable.  They tend to turn conversation and attention to themselves when possible and are always seeking ways to enhance their image and superiority in the eyes of others.

Narcissists spent most of their time thinking they are superior, special, and deserving of special treatment.  The remaining time is spent feeling despondent, plagued by self-criticism and guilt.  Little or no time is spent empathizing or considering the worth of others–there is no time left.  “Others” are only truly on the narcissist’s radar if they are:

1. a source of affirmation: someone who affirms the specialness or uniqueness of the narcissist–supplying narcissitic fuel.
2. a source of comparison: someone who the narcissist can compare him or her self to favorably–reinforcing a sense of superiority, more narcissitic fuel.
3. a source of envy: someone who the narcissist envys and feels inferior to–in private moments.

Because of their characteristics, narcissists have a hard time sustaining relationships that involve mutual support and recognition of the “other’s” needs.  In other words, their relationships are immature–not bad if you are an adolescent, not so good if you are an adult.

Of course, it is not so simple as someone being a narcissist or not.  In my experience, narcissism can range from very isolated and mild to pervasive and severe.  Also, it can wax and wane depending on the person’s self-confidence at the time, it tends to diminish with age (not always, however), and people can be narcissistic in some areas of their life but not in others.  In other words, narcissism is a complex phenomena.

To sort out whether you are dealing with a narcissist, pay close attention to the person’s need for admiration, how paralyzing self-doubt is when it emerges, and how much empathy a person seems to have for others.  Please note, narcissists can appear to be empathetic when they are not.  A good way to tell between a truly empathetic person and someone pretending to be empathetic, is that the truly empathetic person’s empathy is for all others, not just ones who are similar to the person feeling empathetic.  Many narcissists can generate empathy for others who are like them (seeing themselves in the process) but struggle when the person is “different” or not of the same “ilk”.

Finally, even non-narcissists can become part of narcissistic groups.  This is true of narcissistic groups at all levels: from the local clique to a nation.  In between, organizations of all sizes can behave narcissistically.  Indeed, there are plenty of examples these days of organizations that have behaved narcissistically–damaging their customers, investors, and, often, the environment in the process.

If you have questions about the complex phenomena of narcissism, please let me know.   It is an interesting topic and I was inspired to write about it after reading an article about “the talented Mr. Madoff” in the New York Times.