Self Help In Sight

For a number of reasons I’ve been thinking about motivation quite a lot recently. As noted before, scientists have studied three particular motivators in greater detail than any others. These are the motivation for power, achievement, and affiliation.

Individuals motivated by power want to direct and influence others. Individuals motivated by achievement want to accomplish tasks, to get things done, to achieve. Finally, individuals motivated by affiliation want to be part of a group, they want to be liked and respected.

In previous posts, I’ve advocated noticing the motivational pattern of a partner or potential partner. Experience tells us that dramatic differences in motivational patterns causes friction and too much friction leads to a relationship ending. In other words, someone motivated by power may be a good match only if you have similar motivation or are comfortable with being directed.

Looking at motivation a little closer reveals that the need for affiliation has two sub-components and one of them predicts successful adjustment over time.

The sub-components of affiliation are 1) fear of rejection and 2) seeking intimacy. It turns out that some people wanted to be liked–avoiding conflict and dissension–because they are afraid of rejection. Others want to be liked because they are seeking intimacy. So, the need for affiliation is a mixture of a need for acceptance by others (not to be thrown out of the group) and a need for intimacy.

Studies show, the need for intimacy is a better predictor of successful adjustment (satisfaction, happiness, etc.) over time than the overall need for affiliation (fear of rejection) or the need for power.  

How can you tell is someone is avoiding rejection or seeking intimacy?  Those seeking intimacy tend to:

• view interpersonal relationships as a source of positive feelings and seek relationships for the feelings alone (not for wanting to get something done together, or wanting to have a successful relationship, or to avoid being alone, or to increase status),
• feel a sense of commitment and concern for others that is not motivated by obligation or guilt,
• feel connected with others even when separated,
• feel in harmony and at peace with others, and
• are able to accept others as they are.

Furthermore, individuals who are motivated to seek intimacy are viewed by others as:

• natural (not straining to be intimate),
• warm,
• sincere,
• honest,
• appreciative, and
• loving.

They are not seen as:

• dominant and
• self-centered.

Finally, a person’s capacity for intimacy is evident in the quality of all of his or her relationships.  It is more attitude than technique.

Perhaps needless to say, people who seek intimacy make better partners than those motivated by power, achievement, or not being rejected.  Look for the characteristics of an intimacy seeker in a partner or potential partner!  

I welcome your comments and questions.