Self Help In Sight

It’s tough for me to think that a loved one has an “agenda” with me. Perhaps you have a similar distaste for thinking that someone who is a partner or potential partner has his/her own agenda vis-a-vis you. 

Any difficulty thinking about agendas probably has to do with the implication that there might be a plan or self-interest based purpose driving someone’s interaction with us. Isn’t is distasteful to think that someone may be with us because of how we help them get their own agenda met?  Distasteful or not, that is the way it is–you can be confident that anyone in your life has their own “agenda” for you.

Now,  of course, this is not to say that agendas are bad (or good, for that matter) or totally self-serving. We all have agendas, most, if not all, of the time.  For many, our own agenda is obvious to someone who knows us well.  Our own agenda may be self-serving (as virtually all agendas are) but it likely serves the other person’s agenda as well. For example, if I want to do something fun and invite you along, my agenda of doing something fun and having companionship are being served but so is your agenda of having fun and enjoying the fun with someone else. Or, your physician may ask you to submit to a certain treatment to meet his/her agenda of being an effective doctor while you submit to the treatment to meet your agenda of symptom relief.  The point is that for most of us, most of the time, our “agenda” while self-serving, also serves others.

Thought about this way, agendas only become a problem when they are 1) covert/secret or 2) in conflict.  Think of any past relationship that went sour.  Did the problems start when your partner’s agenda was different than what you thought?  Or, did the problems start when the conflict in agendas went from being minor to major?  In either case, you and your partner’s agendas stopped working together.

Successful partners find ways to negotiate and compromise on competing agendas.  They work things (their personal agendas) out. 

What’s the moral of the story?  Actually, there are several:

1. Watch for a partner or potential partner’s agenda.  Is the agenda clear and consistent?  Is he/she able to compromise when agendas are in conflict?
2. Be aware, that agenda’s change over time and under new circumstances.  Ever seen an agenda change when a relationship reaches a new stage?  For example, have you ever witnessed a partner’s agenda change once the relationship has been consummated or has transitioned to a new level of commitment (exclusivity, living together, marriage)?  Expect change and be ready to negotiate and compromise anew. 
3. Agendas can be complex.  One person will likely have multiple agendas for another person at every given moment.  For example, I might want my son to have fun and enjoy himself while also being safe and not doing anything that cause trouble for others.  An individual’s “priorities” always reflects their true “agendas”.
4. Agendas are not bad or good but there are people who have agendas that are exclusively self-serving.  Few of these people will be obvious when revealing their exclusively self-serving agenda (see 1 above).  Watch out for them and steer clear once you find someone whose agenda(s) are exclusively self-serving, not obvious, or non-negotiable.
5. Finally, let me know if you think someone behaves without an agenda–I’d like to learn of such a case.